Brand New Feelings!

Last night Andrew and I attended Nick Scapa's birthday party at the Honor Roll house. It was not so much a birthday party for me; I would have described it as "an end of an era" party. I do not mean this in a defeatist or exceptionally sad way... but last night I felt affected. Strong hands pulled my heart in all directions. Hands that were not my own. The hands of many, fine, cosmic spirits. I want to now review the moments in my mind as I listen to CoCoRosie's "The Adventures of Ghosthorse and Stillborn."

Joe Rehmer, "Goodbye, Forever." His words cut me, man. My eyes began to spark tears. I cannot think about such a phrase as "Goodbye, Forever." I want to see Joe again! I want to continue being friends. I am not going to let a false conception govern our to-be longterm relationship. The term "forever" hurts. So does "Goodbye." After conversation with Joe Rehmer last night, I began to experience the pain that comes with leaving your friends.

17 years old: I left Long Island with no problems. I didn't cry when I left my friends, my family... I hate cliches but this one is making me laugh on the inside, "The time was right for picking." As my former life friends and I move into our new lives, I haven't felt sad. When we talk, I recognize that we are not what we were, and that's ok. I have yet to produce tears over their and my latest existence.

But Joe! We haven't been "friends" for very long at all, but his absence affects me. He is a strong individual and he is the first of my friends to leave.

"Goodbye for a While."

Last night my connections with certain people were realized. When Richard and I stood around in a group laughing and reminiscing PANAMA, I felt something strong and very real and in tune with a person who I had not necessarily felt a shared fire with. Our fire burns for Panama. We were connected and connected we shall be.

And Geneva! Geneva and I have been friends...we were friends but we never had a personal relationship... until the other night: she saw something and I saw the same and we shared intuitive recognition! I will feel her absence, too.

I love my friends. I don't think I ever felt true love for a group of people before. I love my friends for the stuff they are made of. I love their stuff.