who has licked the ice cream off of the cone right onto the sidewalk. my eyes well with liquid but my cheeks remain dry. man. i am not fond of self-pity, self-loathing, und so weiter; however, i do believe that wallowing every once in a while is a healthy yet arduous task. the pains may be strong, but i am going to appreciate them for what they are.
early this morning i decided that i need to be more mindful of my emotions. i occasionally drift when i talk, when people talk to me... it isn't necessarily a bad quality. i'd like to be more "present" without ignoring my emotions and using Christian language, Eckhart Tolle!
i am not sad. i am not resentful. i am just disappointed that i have not yet been accepted in the programs that i have applied to religious studies. i can't help but not question myself and my abilities. sure, i have a great gpa. ok, i thought my essays were quite good. i don't get it. and then i wonder if i am being too confident... i don't want to tell anyone in my family, because (excluding my Aunt Annie) they think i'm "strange" for (1) being me (2) pursuing that which interests me (e.g. religious studies, while i am "without religion") (3) my vegetarianism. sadly, i am neither joking nor exaggerating. i would love to call my dad and tell him how disappointed i feel and how i want to cry but the tears aren't coming because i know that i'll be ok wherever i end up because i am me... but i can't.
today is the first day he expressed any interest in what i have been learning in school this year. he asked me about my reading ability in german. i felt surprised and excited that he seemed to genuinely care. i told him about it and how i am so excited because i am growing and learning and remembering and practicing... this is what i do! this is who i am!
man. (long, exasperated exhale)
i don't know. i feel overwhelmed and impotent.
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